Sometimes I don’t know what motivates me to write what I do. I had this thought so I’m going to run with it.
Right now Stephanie and I have this massive goal in front of us. Big. Really big for us. It will really require me to do something I’ve failed at several times in the past. A couple months ago, I broke it down, thinking that was the right game plan, and I would attack it step by step.
Two months later, I find myself in the same place. Little growth, lots of worry, and doubting myself.
Let me tell you that I’ve been fortunate enough to have goals big enough that my most loved ones have doubted me over them. When I stared my martial arts academies I had a very loved person in my life simply tell me “That will be nice to have on the side… but not as your ‘real’ job”. I also had another one laugh at the fact that I wanted to rent a retail space to move my basement classes to. Both broke my heart, but motivated me to succeed.
Steph and I completely balance each other out (she is not the one I noted in the last paragraph). I’m a big dreamer, and she injects some much needed practicality into my life. We’ve had plenty of times, where she has “lovingly” said I’m crazy for wanting __________. Sometimes she was right, and sometimes she was wrong.
We recently talked about the current goal we’re after, and I went into the meeting just waiting for her to doubt that I could do what needed to be done. I almost wanted her to not believe in me, hoping it would give me the motivation to move past my fears, and finally reach this goal.
We sat down and started to talk, and she completely blew me away. She overshot my sky high expectation of myself, my goal and how I would be able to do it. It took me by surprise. Where was her practicality? Reality? Common sense?
So, being totally transparent with you, now I’m the one with doubts. I think about this goal everyday, and wonder what the heck I’ve committed myself to.
Then I remember God.
God has always pulled through. He has always had my best plans and results in mind. I’ve always have looked back an found myself in a better place.
There have been months where I had no clue how we were even going to pay the bills, and then massive amounts of money have poured in to save the day. I’ve seen attitudes of others change on a dime to help me, and my attitude change even faster so I make the right decision.
In summary, I have little faith in myself, and massive faith in God. At first I didn’t feel right about it… but now I realize that God wants it that way. I’ve had too many experiences where I’ve pushed God out, and made sure the spotlight was on me. I’ve taken the credit, when little was due for me, and neglected to even mention God when I should have.
In a way, I want this time, this goal to highlight God.
Right now I feel that God believes in me, I believe in God, and Stephanie believes in us both.
After all, I wouldn’t want it any other way.